


Being a Main Character Doesn't guarantee anything

by BlueFlameBird



Category: Gintama
Genre: Dorks, F/M, FOURTH WALL WHAT FOURTH WALL, HijiGinHiji, I Don't Even Know, I dunno who to make top, M/M, Multi, Randomness, The Author Regrets Nothing, author chan needs to interfere sometimes, cursing because hijikata, denying feelings, gintama angst, he broke hijikatas heart, i use alot of japanese phrases, im not very funny, lots of fandoms, or is it ginhijigin, poor gintoki, poor zaki, whatever, zura ja nai katsura da
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2018-05-24 05:33:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6143101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueFlameBird/pseuds/BlueFlameBird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gintoki is sick of it. He's the main character dammit, so why was he stuck like this? He's done, leaving. even if that means he had to break a few hearts in the process, including the demon vice captains. but it seems fate has a different idea, WHY THE HELL WAS HE PROTAGONIST IN OTHER ANIME DAMMIT? AND WHAT ARE THOSE IDIOTS DOING? HIJIKATA REPLACING HIM? rated T for now</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This chapter is a filler - author chan sucks

**Author's Note:**

> I'm totally new to AO3, but this fic is on fanfiction net. 
> 
> I got this idea from a tumblr post that stated: main character tries to avoid being main character but he ends up in different anime being led to being main character. Something like that. I thought of gintama because it was perfect. And of course, why not add romance? Hijigin is forever my OTP, for gintama at least, but i plan to hint at other ships, sougo x kagura for one.
> 
> This chapter is more of a filler to get things going, sorry for the horrible quality if i think of something else I will change it. Enjoy!

The sound of swords clashing could be heard. Steel against wood. A certain silver haired samurai pushed his opponent back. He was battling Amanto after Amanto, having been hired find out more about their illegal trade (he still didn't know what they were trading) and to put an end to it. The amanto themselves looked like normal people, save for the stupid mark on their forehead in the shape of a poop.

Pushing the Amanto back, Gintoki turned to see if he could spot how Kagura and Shinpachi were doing. The human wearing glasses seemed to be holding his own, as well as Kagura, who was currently teaming up with that other sadist-

"OI! PERMY SHIT HEAD! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE FIGHTING!"

The voice that made Gintoki want to violently stab puppies rang in his ears, making him turn swiftly to meet the gaze of the demon vice captain himself, Oogushi-kun.

"ITS NOT OOGUSHI ITS HIJIKATA YOU PERM!"

"THAT'S MY LINE" a familiar voice could be heard by the man known as Zura ("ZURA JA NAI KATSURA DA!"), but both Mayora and Yorozuya ignored him. Gintoki simply turned to glare at the mayo freak, who was glaring right back, tick mark in his head and cigarette crushed between his teeth. They were back to back, trying to work together to take on the hordes of Amanto that were attacking.

"AAHH? Sorry what was that? I couldn't hear you over all the PEOPLE WHO KEEP TRYING TO KILL ME! YOU'RE IN MY WAY!"

"What the hell did you just say you bastard? SEPPUKU FOR YOU!"

"Is all that mayo that you eat clogging your ears? I said-"

"Toshi! We have to work together!" Kondo's voice sounded, somewhere to Hijikata's left. Hijikata just grit his teeth, glaring once more at the sugar freak before slicing up some more Amanto in an attempt to keep his temper in check.

"Is Danna bothering you, Hijikata-san? Why don't you just drop dead? I can help with that." Sougo spoke, suddenly next to him, pointing his bazooka at him.

"The mean mayo freak should just get cut and die, aru." China spoke from next to him, cracking her knuckles. What the hell was wrong with this kid...?

"GIN SAN! The amanto are getting away!" The glasses called, catching all of their attention as the Amanto retreated with their cargo (seriously what was in those boxes?). Gintoki felt himself sigh, his dead fish eyes sparkling with a bit of annoyance that retreated almost as fast as it came, so no one noticed. If only he could have an easy job, one that payed well so he could just get it over with and go home and read his jump. But nooooo. Kondo had to ask him for help, offering to pay the last four months of rent so Otose didn't kick him out. And what for? The author doesn't even know what she's doing, she just needs a way to start the plot so-

"DOES YOUR HAIR COVER YOUR EARS AND MAKE YOU DEAF? MOVE YOUR ASS!" That voice was once again yelling, following after the Amanto. One day...

Gintoki felt his own tick mark appear in his neck before simply deciding to grit his teeth and follow. The faster this was over the sooner he could get away from this asshole. He wasn't even sure why he hated him so much. He was a pretty ok guy when he wasn't picking fights. There was just something about his stupid face and steel blue eyes that made him want to punch him.

Or kiss him.

But punching him seemed like the better and stress relieving option.

Eventually he caught up to the others, walking into an explosion where Sougo blew up their ship that they were trying to escape from. He stood next to the mayora, watching as survivors (though there was a significantly less amount of amanto than before...) crawled out, holding their hands up.

"We should blow them up, just to make sure they don't run away again." Sougo spoke up, readying his bazooka once again.

"I don't think that's necessary, it looks like they're about to surrender." Hijikata replied, finally lighting up the cigarette that was between his teeth with his mayo lighter.

Noticing a box at the side, curiosity took over Gintoki's brain. He cautiously walked up to it, his senses on high alert. Prying it open with his wooden sword, he glanced in to see what all the fuss was about.

And immediately shut the box.

"Gin san, what was in the box?" Shinpachi asked, coming to Gintoki's side. Gintoki immediately started stammering. Before he could come up with an explanation, Shinpachi opened the box, immediately freezing.

Dildos.

All this fuss was to stop the illegal trade...

Of dildos.

"Oi gorilla. Is this some kind of a joke? It's not funny, where's the cargo we need to secure?" Gintoki asked, trying desperately to sound calm and hoping they didn't go though all this for a bunch of dildos.

"It's true, we specialize in the trade of dildos for the lonely and ugly." One of the Amanto spoke up, trying to explain things.

"These should be perfect for Otae then..." (Otae sneezed, promising a painful death for Gintoki for some reason.) Gintoki immediately retracted his statement when he felt a gloom of sudden death.

As the amanto started trying to explain himself, Gintoki felt something in his heart tug. Was this really it? Was this what he fell to?

Dammit he might have been a lazy good for nothing, but he was trying. Trying to do something other than kill others, other than wage war and watch people he cared about fall, both by sword and by their own minds.

None of the other main characters had to deal with this. Luffy might have been equally as stupid as he was, but he was respected. Goku as well.

And Ichigo? Ichigo had a Bankai. A BANKAI!

And what was he doing?

Stopping a dildo bust.

"OI YOROZUYA! PAY ATTENTION!" Gintoki felt something snap then. Gripping his sword, he struck at Hijikata, who barely had time to block the blow. The result was simply the snapping of his katana in half. Hijikata skidded back, not wanting to admit he was slightly worried and just a bit pissed at his katana being broken so easily. Sure him and the permy bastard fought all the time, but he never was on the receiving end of Gintoki's anger and bloodlust. It was just like-

_The shiroyasha._

Of course. It was easy to forget this good for nothing was the Shiroyasha.

Silence rang through the port, no one dared even breathe. It was a moment before Gintoki sighed, dropping his wooden katana on the floor.

"I'm done."

Done? The hell did this bastard mean he's done?

"What do you mean done? We haven't arrested them yet!" Hijikata yelled, disguising his discomfort with anger.

"I mean, I'm done. Finished. I won't be protagonist anymore." Gintoki never rose his voice, and for some reason that scared Hijikata more than anything. Gintoki's kids were quiet, no one knew what to say. Looks like it was up to him.

"The hell do you mean? You can't just quit the series? The show will get cancelled without you!"

"Then find yourself a new protagonist! I'm done doing all this stupid shit!" Gintoki yelled, motioning around himself and the boxes full of dildos. Hijikata felt his hackles rise. This wasn't the same type of anger Gintoki always directed to him, one of annoyance. No, this was true anger.

"That's the whole point of this show! It's stupid most of the time but time to time..."

_Time to time it means so much more._

_Time to time you prove you are an amazing main character._

_Time to time you change people's lives._

And of course, Hijikata said none of this.

Gintoki sighed, all anger from before dissipating. "Then find yourself a new protagonist then. It's not my problem anymore."

"But Gin-chan we need you!" Kagura cried, tearing up.

"You can't just leave us again Gin-san! We were lost without you!" The glasses shouted, shaking slightly in an attempt to keep from crying.

"You guys will be fine without me, you don't need me."

With that, Gintoki started walking away, ignoring the cries of Kagura and Shinpachi. Hijikata found himself gritting his teeth so hard the cigarette snapped in half. How could he...how could that bastard just walk away from all this?

"YOU CANT JUST LEAVE YOU COWARD! HOW CAN YOU JUST LEAVE LIKE THIS? HOW CAN YOU LEAVE US?"

_How can you leave me...?_

Gintoki said nothing, walking out of the room and leaving a deafening silence behind.

Hijikata spit out the filter of the cigarette, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. He asked himself what everyone else was thinking...

_What do we do now?_


	2. Pizza Tastes Better Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the plot starts rolling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so...got the plot rolling! Im not funny, I warn you now. I tried though...natural gintama randomness is my specialty, hence the titles of the chapters, though this doesnt guarantee im funny. Your author sucks...
> 
> Hijikata: oi, stop sulking and write another chapter! You have us totally out of character!
> 
> Gintoki: Speak for yourself oogushi kun! I think she's doing a fabulous job!
> 
> H: Look! Her grammar sucks! Why is she missing the hyphen in Sa-chan? She didn't even proof read this shit! Zaki can write better than this! SEPPUKU FOR YOU!
> 
> Oh Gintoki thank you!You might want to be nicer to the one who can kill you in her fanfictions Toshi kun! Or better yet, maybe I'll have you sleep with Sougo n.n
> 
> H: WHAT?
> 
> G: ooooh evil, that poor bastard. I'm not jealous or anything.
> 
> Dont worry Gintoki, this is a Hijigin fic, so Sougo wont be stealing anything but Kagura's innocence n.n
> 
> G: NANIIIIIIIIIIIIIII?
> 
> H: I didnt need that image...
> 
> G: OI WHY AM I BOTTOM
> 
> H: BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL AINT BOTTOMING! ITS YOUR ASS
> 
> Boys...please...
> 
> Yamazaki: Author-san! I have some more idea's for chapter three!
> 
> H: ZAKI?
> 
> Y: AH? Vice commander?
> 
> H: THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHY ARE YOU HELPING THIS CRAZY BITCH! DO YOU WANT TO DIE? HUH?
> 
> G: Oi Hijikata-kun, calm down, the stuff Jimmy has here is pretty good
> 
> Y: Its Yamazaki, Danna...
> 
> H: I'LL KILL YOU BOTH!
> 
> Children...
> 
> Anyway, read, review, whatever you want. Im simply your humble slave.

Hijikata sat in his office, his head in his hands and cigarette in his lips. He lost count of how many he had. He has been chain smoking since returning to the Shinsengumi quarters.

After Gintoki left, the amanto managed to get away, taking advantage of everyone's shock and confusion. They revealed that they, in fact, weren't smuggling dildos. They were smuggling batteries strong enough to power all of Edo for years with just one. They were cleverly disguised in an attempt to throw the Shinsengumi off.

Without Gintoki there, all they could do was watch as they got away.

Eventually they all returned to the Shinsengumi, Gintoki's kids followed them, not sure what to do without the diabetic. Sougo didn't even try to kill Hijikata, opting for subtly-not so subtly-distracting Kagura from her grief through sadism, though the loss of his sadist partner seemed to affect him too. Kondo and Shinpachi left to go talk, about what Hijikata didn't know.

Or really care for that matter.

He went straight to his room, throwing off his jacket and smoking like there was no tomorrow. Eventually he got restless and tried to get some work done in his office, everyone in the barracks, avoiding him like the plague.

He was beyond angry, he was furious.

He didn't understand why he was taking it so hard. He hated that perm! And shit like this just proved why! How could he just up and leave like that? What exactly was he so "done" about anyway? Selfishly leaving Hijikata like that, how could he? What about his kids? They were heartbroken for that ungrateful bastard!

He eventually called Yamazaki in to try and beat some of his anger out on someone, but by the time he arrived, all that anger died into anguish.

Hijikata was on his last cigarette.

And his heart and mind were a mess.

When Yamazaki appeared, he was sitting in this exact position, cigarette smoking in his lips, head in his hands as he rubbed his eyes tiredly and leaned against the desk. He was a picture of pure heartbreak. Not that Yamazaki would ever dare say that out loud, fearing for his life. Opting to tell the terrified badminton player to get him another pack of cigarettes, he simply sat there, replaying the argument with Gintoki over and over again.

What happened? He felt like the floor was ripped from beneath him and was going to swallow him whole.

He just didn't understand. Why would Gintoki just leave like that?

Gintoki had a habit of doing things on his own. Of leaving for absolutely no reason and returning like nothing happened, though there was always something off about that.

So why did he feel like this was permanent?

Something in Hijikata's chest clenched. No it wasn't his heart, seppuku for you if you even suggested it!

Ok maybe it was his heart.

But the demon vice captain of the Shinsengumi did not cry, not matter how much his chest hurt at the moment.

Sure, Hijikata hated the bastard-

Ok he didn't hate him. They were just so alike he couldn't get along with the perm.

But he knew there were many... _good_ things about the idiot.

His swordsmanship for one. He was good, better than Hijikata was willing to admit. And under all that stupidness and dumb dead-fish expression was a man with a bright soul.

A silver soul.

And there was a lot about him that was a mystery. The only reason Hijikata didn't arrest him for being the Shiroyasha was because...

Well he was useful. Not because Hijikata had feelings for him. Curse you author san for making him think that.

Gintoki might have disguised his care with his boring and annoying ways, but Hijikata knew he cared and was fiercely protective. Just as Hijikata cared for everyone in the Shinsengumi, even Sougo, even if he didn't show it, and he'd gladly lay his life on the line for them.

The more Hijikata thought about Gintoki the more restless he became. Sure he was pissed, but he no longer had the energy for it. The only thing he could feel was the anguish of feeling left behind. Hijikata didn't even know why he felt this way. They weren't even that close. They could fight together and sometimes be around each other, but that only lasted a few minutes before they started fighting each other.

Taking a last drag of his cancer stick, he snuffed it out in his overflowing ash tray, sparing a fleeting glance at paperwork-san before acknowledging that his mind was simply too preoccupied with thoughts of the natural perm to be of any use.

Curse that silver haired bastard, Hijikata detested him with every fiber of his being. He wanted to just grab him and punch his stupid face in and...and...and...

And kiss him like there was no tomorrow, but that was a thought Hijikata pushed to the very back of his mind. There was no way he would ever admit he was attracted to the bastard. Because he wasn't. Simple as that.

"Hijikata-san."

Toshi looked up and locked eyes with Sougo, who was standing before him with his normal blank expression. How long had he been standing there?

"What it is, Sougo? I don't feel like trying to survive your attempts at murdering me right now." Hijikata spoke, his voice eerily calm for someone who was literally dying on the inside.

"So then let me kill you once and for all, bastard." Sougo said on reflex, the sparkle in his eye promising pain. When Hijikata fixed him with a not-amused look, Sougo continued, handing Hijikata a pack of cigarettes. "Kondo wants us all to have a meeting to see what we are going to do about another main character."

Once again, something in Hijikata's heart clenched. "Another main character? What the hell, are we not going to try and find that bastard first? We're just going to replace him like that?" It was spoken with barely contained anger, the need for a cigarette increasing.

"We're going to discuss what to do, but in the meantime we need to have someone replace him so the show doesn't get cancelled. Don't worry, we're not going to forget about your boyfriend so easily."

Hijikata felt a tick mark appear on his forehead. "DON'T YOU EVER SUGGEST THAT AGAIN! SEPPUKU FOR YOU!"

"It's ok Hijikata-san, we're all accepting of it. Even Kondo approves."

"SOUGO! THAT'S NOT FUNNY!"

Sougo turned to leave, waving over his shoulder. "Whatever. Just hurry up."

Hijikata sat there steaming for a while before giving a defeated sigh. He should have expected Sougo to bother him sooner or later. Opening the pack of cigarettes, he was about to pull one out when he smelled something. What was smoking?

With a sigh, he turned and threw the pack of cigarettes out the window, not even a few seconds later a resounding _BOOM_ answering his question. What a waste of good cigarettes...

"DAMMIT SOUGO!"

Running his hand through his hair, Hijikata chewed on his lip nervously. Replace Gintoki? What the hell was Kondo thinking. Deciding he had enough brooding, he made a move to get up, pausing when he saw a pack of cigarettes on his desk. After thoroughly inspecting them and deeming them safe, he immediately lit up, inhaling the sweet nicotine and relishing in the relieved feeling it was giving him.

Maybe bickering with Sougo like normal helped take his mind off of the perm, if only for a moment. Not that he'd ever admit that out loud.

Exhaling a cloud of smoke, he went in search of Kondo.

* * *

Never in his twenty something years of being alive, would Hijikata think he would be faced with such a decision in his life.

"You want me to what?" He hissed through gritted teeth, trying to suppress the anger in his voice.

"Oh come on Toshi! Please? You're the one with the closest personality to his!" Kondo pleaded, trying to reason with the vice captain who was seriously considering murder at the moment.

"HOW THE HELL CAN YOU REPLACE HIM SO EASILY?!" He finally snapped, making Kondo jump back slightly. Panting, Hijikata continued, trying to calm himself down. "I hate the bastard as much as the next person, but he's the only main character that can fit in the show! We're too...different!"

"Both of you have a weird kink for food, aru." China spoke up, he face blank.

"And both of you think alike at times." The glasses added, trying to look hopeful.

"And under that tough exterior, you're a kind person, Toshi, which is why I need you to do this." Gorilla-er, Kondo spoke, putting a supporting hand on Hijikata's shoulder. "We will do everything in our power to bring him back, but right now it's important that you do this."

Hijikata thought for a second. He really wanted to go himself to find the bastard, maybe even beat him up when he did find him. Would it really be that bad for someone else to be main character? He understood why Kagura and Sougo were out of question. He didn't feel like dying anytime soon. But what about the other characters? No one could replace Gintoki, but to just hold his place until he found him...

"Why can't anyone else do it?"

"Actually I agree."

Hijikata turned to the new voice, deadpanning when he saw who it was. How the hell did he get in here?

"YAMAZAKI! HOW THE HELL DID KATSURA GET IN HERE!? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE KEEPING WATCH! SEPPUKU FOR YOU!"

As Zaki tried to stammer an excuse, Kagura turned to Katsura. "Yo, Zura, what are you doing here?"

"Zura ja nai, Katsura da. And I heard my old friend finally left. This is the perfect opportunity for me to come in and become main character."

Elizabeth, the rather creepy...thing, held up a sign that read 'This is my chance to increase in fan polls and surpass Katsura.'

"There! They can be main character for now! And once we find Gintoki we can arrest them." Toshi reasoned hopefully.

"WAIT!"

Suddenly, a purple form crashed on the floor, leaning up to reveal that it was a woman.

"SACHAN?" The glasses asked, looking at the female on the floor as she felt around for the red rimmed glasses that were right in front of her.

Standing up and adjusting the now cracked frames, she pointed accusingly at Zura-er Katsura.

"You can't replace Gin-san! I need someone who will make me feel womanly! Someone who will welcome me back lovingly with open arms and a kick to the face!"

"That sounds abusive..." Zaki muttered softly, flinching at the glare Sachan threw him.

Toshiro felt his temper start to grow, gritting his teeth to try and control it. Great. He had a sadist and masochist in the same room. What was her relationship to Gintoki anyway? As far as Hijikata knew, the perm didn't have a girlfriend, especially not his stalker.

Not that he cared.

Or checked.

"Get out, I don't need a stalker in here when we're discussing classified information. Why don't you put your skills to use and find the bastard?"

"Oi, don't you accuse me being a stalker. Especially with a gorilla in the room." Sachan turned to Kondo, glaring at him, clearly thinking he was Hijikata and not the Gorilla himself. Kondo put his hands up in a peaceful gesture, muttering an "actually I didn't..."

"But you are a stalker..." Shinpachi deadpanned from the sidelines.

"And it was me who called you a stalker." Hijikata added. Sachan turned to Yamazaki, grabbing his collar threateningly. The poor Badminton player could only tremble in fear.

"Don't you think I've tried! I can't find him! So the only option I have left is to make sure that the new main character is worthy of my affections!"

"I'M NOT REPLACING HIM! ONLY UNTIL HE RETURNS!" Hijikata yelled, just to be ignored.

"So I guess you aren't that good at your job, huh? As expected from someone on the receiving side..." Sougo spoke up, the look in his eye kind of scary.

"I'm a high class assassin. I don't let my emotions get in the way of my job, unless it's for Gintoki." She suddenly appeared next to Hijikata, who leaned back as far as he could from the red bean paste that was suddenly in her fingers, a bowl in her other hand. She tried shoving it in Hijikata's mouth, who grabbed her wrist and tried pushing her away.

"Get your hands out of my face! They fuckin' stink!"

"But if you're the main character you have to try it! Gintoki is obsessed with sweet things and he loves my natto and if you don't eat it then-"

Hijikata felt his temper snap, grabbing his sword and cutting the bowl in half, effectively knocking Sa-chan away. "GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!"

Panting, Hijikata lit up another cigarette and took a deep breath, feeling the nicotine calm him. Turning to Sa-chan, he prepared to apologize for her temper when she suddenly flew at him, causing Hijikata to jump to the side, startled. Sa-chan fell on Yamazaki, who screamed bloody murder.

"YOU'RE PERFECT! Do it again!" Sa-chan got up from Yamazaki, once again launching herself at Hijikata. Temper once again blinding his judgement, he knocked her upside the head, causing her to fly into Sougo and Kagura.

"QUIT IT! YOU'RE ANNOYING! SEPPUKU FOR YOU!"

"MEAN MAYO BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU ARU!"

"HIJIKATA YOU BASTARD!"

"DON'T TOUCH HIM!"

Hijikata could only sweat drop as the two sadists and stalker/masochist started fighting.

"Do you still not want to be main character, Toshi? You are the only one I trust to do a good job." Kondo spoke up, looking at Toshi seriously.

Hijikata sighed, sparing a glance to the fighting trio. Dammit, he didn't want to disappoint Kondo, but the idea of taking Gintoki's spot hurt more than he could bear. How would he live with himself if HE was the one to replace Gintoki. They needed the natural perm, _he_ needed the natural perm.

"I think we can compromise," a new voice spoke up, making Hijikata grit his teeth again. ANOTHER ONE?

"ZAKI!"

"SORRY! I DONT KNOW HOW THEY KEEP GETTING HERE!"

"Sis?" Shinpachi asked, smiling as Otae walked in.

"OTA-!" Kondo's cry and pounce were cut off as Otae punched him in the face, sending him into the fighting trio and knocking all four of them out. Hijikata shuddered. The demon...

"What the hell do you want? Are you going to tell me I can't be main character too?"

"I WAS going to say, I think you would be a great candidate for main character." Otae's smile had an air of promised pain and destruction around it, and Hijikata felt all anger turn to stone cold fear. "However, since you clearly don't want to, I think it would be fair to try and see how other people do."

"Sound's fair to me." Zura (Zura ja nai! Katsura da!) spoke up from his spot. "I will start next episode, the author is getting lazy and this episode is over two thousand words already."

"Next chapter you mean." Shinpachi corrected.

"Hijikata san." Toshi turned his attention back to the she-monster, only to feel death start to choke him as he looked into her fear inducing smile. "If you let anyone ruin this show, and ruin any chance of Gintoki returning, I will hurt you. I expect you to do your best in finding him and making sure the series runs smoothly, ok? And you will bring him back to us, won't you?"

"Y-yes, ma'am." He stuttered out, all hairs standing on end as she nodded happily and left, taking the glasses with her.

"Well, I should be going to prepare for my debut. But first." Katsura suddenly threw a circular object at Hijikata, who once again dodged and let it fly to the four still knocked out. The ball suddenly blew up, blowing a hole in the side of the building and scattering the two stalkers and two sadists with it.

"KATSURA! YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR A NEW WALL!" Hijikata yelled, fully intending on stabbing the terrorist, only to see the spot that he was in empty.

"YOU'LL NEVER GET ME ALIVE!" his voice rang out into the night. Hijikata sighed, inhaling and exhaling the cigarette still at his lips slowly.

This is going to be a loooooooooooooooooong fanfiction...

* * *

Gintoki found himself wandering a new town. It didn't look that much different from Edo, just more...modern? How long he's walked, he had no idea. With a small pack on his back, and his wooden katana at his side, he simply journeyed on, hoping to find a good place to eat soon.

He eventually saw something on the floor. A small black square?

Walking up to it cautiously, he stopped in front of it, studying it a moment before deeming it safe to pick up.

"Death note? Where have I seen this before?"

Opening to the first page, he read the rules.

"'The person who's name is written in this death note...shall die?' Huh? What's this? Some kind of magic book? Like the dragon balls or something?"

He heard cackling from above and looked up, only to freeze in fear.

"I am Ryuk. I am a-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Ryuk felt himself sweat drop as Gintoki threw the death note at him, reaching for his bokken and swiping it back and forth. People passing by gave them looks but Gintoki didn't seem to notice or care.

"GET AWAY! I DON'T WANT WHATEVER YOU'RE SELLING! MY SOUL IS MINE! MINE! GET BACK YOU CLOWN FACED DEMON!"

Ryuk bristled. Clown faced...? HOW DARE HE?

"CALM THE HELL DOWN!" Ryuk yelled, effectively shutting the silver haired idiot up. He held up the death note and pointed to it. He spoke slowly and clearly, as if speaking to a child. "You see this book? It's a death note. It gives you the power to kill anyone you want. Don't you want to use it?"

He handed the book to Gintoki, who hesitantly took it, looking down at it curiously. Kill anyone he wants, huh? A small smirk grew on his face, making Ryuk's permanent smirk widen. Well if that was the case...

"LIKE HELL!" Gintoki flinged the book back at the shinigami, hitting him in the head with it and knocking him out of the air. "YOU'RE PROBABLY TRYING TO TRICK ME! THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS DEATH NOTES! IT'S AN ANIME YOU WEEB, ANIME! CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FACT AND FICTION? YOU PROBABLY JUST WANT MY SOUL! WELL YOU CANT HAVE IT!"

With that, Gintoki turned around and ran away as fast as he could, screaming high pitched at the top of his lungs. Ryuk simply rubbed his head, staring at the retreating figure. Well that was boring. Looking down at the death note, Ryuk sighed. Maybe the high school? Maybe someone interesting was waiting there.


	3. When budgeting make sure to save as well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which katsura tries his hand at being main character
> 
> and hijikata pays the yorozuya's a visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hijikata: It's about fucking time!
> 
> awww hijikata! I was without internet for a while!
> 
> H: LIAR! YOU'VE BEEN SLACKING OFF
> 
> Gintoki: Oi oi oi where's gin-san's screen time huh?
> 
> im sorry gintoki, this chapter was getting a bit long so i had to cut it short
> 
> Katsura: I think i made a good main character-
> 
> G: MAIN CHARACTER MY ASS! DO YOU WANT TO GET MY SHOW CANCELED? HUH?
> 
> H: HEY! WHATS THIS BIT ABOUT KASTURA BEATING ME HUH?
> 
> Sougo: author san says you probably wont be able to beat any of the joui warriors, its a headcannon she has.
> 
> H: WHAT THE HELL!
> 
> hehehe...
> 
> H: AND WHATS WITH MY SPEECH?
> 
> i love your voice actor so i tried to make it as correct as possible
> 
> G: But you love gin-sans seiyuu more right?
> 
> r-right...
> 
> g: WHYD YOU HESITATE?
> 
> ANYWAY ENJOY THE CHAPTER!

The country of the Samurai. It's been a long time since their country, Edo, was called this. Now, the Amanto have taken over-

"Author-san, why are you recreating the Gintama opening?" The glasses asked the author, who just ignored him and continued to paint the scenery.

The glasses worked as a server in a small cafe. Talented as he was with a sword, he was clumsy with his tray, and managed to spill his customer's drinks on them. These customers of his were amanto, who didn't appreciate being handed their drinks in such a way.

"You brat!" The tiger faced amanto shouted, punching the glasses in his human face, causing him to fall over and crash into the table behind him, where a young man and his...duck thing was enjoying a meal peacefully.

"You scummy samurai!" the amanto shouted as he continued to pound on the poor glasses.

"Ahn? Author-san? You don't remember how episode one went, do you? Right now you're just picking on him for interrupting you." Hijikata muttered as he sat by a booth in his full Shinsengumi get up. He was slurping his Hijikata special as Shinpachi got beaten up behind him. The author ignored him too, deciding to ignore the fly that just landed in the pile of mayonnaise and died on impact from the horribleness. She also decided to ignore the fact Hijikata just slurped it up, and is now coughing and choking on it.

Back to the action...

The young man who was at the booth stood, one hand gently holding his large hat in place to keep his face hidden. The duck weird thing next to him did nothing, simply sitting there and watching with it's creepy eyes. The man walked in front of the amanto, blocking them from the glasses and he reached behind him, not speaking a word the entire time.

"Eh, what's your problem girly?" the amanto asked rather rudely, the young woman-er i mean man's hair making him look rather feminine, which explained why he was able to cross dress into a girl that was prettier than author chan, not that author san was jealous or anything...baka. Shinpachi watched in awe as the figure pulled his hand from behind him and threw what looked like a ball to the amanto. The man turned around, giving shinpachi a rather shit-eating smile before he ran away, Elizabeth following close behind. Confused, the amanto looked down at the ominously beeping ball as Shinpachi got up, chasing the figure to the door.

"Wait! Who are-"

_BOOM!_

The glasses flew out the room as the ball blew up and the impact sent everyone flying. The amanto were knocked out, charred and blackened on the floor. Hijikata, who got hit by the blast as well, was knocked out through a wall on the other side of the cafe.

Katsura ran away as fast as he could, laughing like a madman at his getaway.

"Did you see that, Elizabeth! I made a better entrance than Gintoki did! I was meant to be main character!"

 _I'm pretty sure this isn't how it went before,_ read the sign that Elizabeth held up, but Zura simply ignored it.

"KATSURA!"

Zura turned around to see a terrified Shinpachi running after him.

"STOP! THIS ISNT HOW THE ANIME WENT!"

"YOU'LL NEVER STOP ME! THE AUTHOR DIDN'T EVEN USE A DISCLAIMER! SO I CAN DO WHAT I WANT!"

"IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! Also, NaruHinaLuver13 doesn't own Gintama, any of its characters or any anime references she makes-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

The disclaimer was interrupted as Hijikata kicked Shinpachi to the side, his eyes promising pain and seppuku as he ran after Katsura.

Huh? What's this? Did Hijikata want the author to get sued? She needed that disclaimer dammit!

"PUT IT IN THE SUMMARY THEN!" Shinpachi yelled, only to be ignored.

"KATSURRRRA! I'M GOIN' TO S-SKIN YOU ALIVE! WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' TO THIS ANIME!? OTAE WILL KILL US BOTH!"

Katsura laughed evilly again, grinning as if he already won. "JUST TRY TO CATCH ME DEMON VICE CHIEF! I'LL SHOW YOU WHICH ONE OF US WAS MEANT TO BE PROTAGONIST-!"

His rant was cut short as he slammed face first into a random vending machine. Hijikata caught up to him, huffing as he stopped to observe Katsura's bloody face. Pulling out a cigarette, he lit it up with his mayo lighter and took a nice long drag, exhaling it to the side as he glared down at the Joui terrorist below him. By now they were attracting onlookers, whom Hijikata scared away with a simple glare.

"I should have known better than to leave the job of protagonist in your hands."

"You're the one who didn't want to be protagonist and put us in this position in the first place." Shinpachi whined, rubbing his face where Hijikata kicked him as he joined his side. Hijikata ignored him with a roll of his eyes, taking another puff as he moved to pick up Katsura. Putting the idiot in handcuffs, he spit the cigarette on the floor and stomped it out, leading Zura back to the Shinsengumi headquarters.

"Hey hey hey hey hey, what the hell are you doing? I can't be arrested! I'm main character!"

"Main character my ass, you caused more destruction than anything!"

"Gintoki does the same thing all the time!"

"BUT AT LEAST HE ACTUALLY HELPS PEOPLE! YOU MANAGED TO BLOW UP A BUILDING! WITH ME IN IT!" Shinpachi yelled, pointing accusingly at Katsura.

Katsura scoffed, trying to think on his feet for an escape. Fighting Hijikata was pointless. Not only were his hands bound but he'd probably piss Hijikata off more if he managed to beat him in a sword fight, which he knew would be difficult considering Hijikata's skill could almost match up to Gintoki's. Besides, he wouldn't ever be able to face Gintoki if he hurt the cop. So talking himself out of this it was.

"You know, out of everyone, Gintoki should hate the world the most."

Hijikata froze completely, eyeing Katsura with his steel blue eyes. Suspicion was written on his features, but there was a noticeable hint of curiosity in his eyes.

"Between all of us, even Takasugi, Gintoki should hate the world the most. But he bears with it."

Hijikata glared at Katsura suspiciously, asking the silent question.

"You look like shit. Did you stay up all night trying to find Gintoki?"

"And you know where that idiot could have gone?" Hijikata asked sharply. Because if he did and said nothing Hijikata was going to run him through with-

"I don't. But out of everyone here, I know him best. I don't think going after him is the best choice for now. When he's ready he will return."

"How do you know?"

"Because we need him."

Katsura had to resist the urge to smirk at Hijikata's eye twitch. He obviously caught up to the fact he was trying to buy himself time, but the curiousness that continued to show was amusing.

"I just said I know him best. We've gone through a lot. There's only so much I can tell you, but I can give you a head start if you're that curious."

Hijikata weighed his options. Take Katsura in as he's always wanted to do, or learn something, _anything,_ about the natural perm.

Because when Toshi thought about it, he didn't really know anything about Gintoki, besides the basics. Sure, he knew he liked sugar and sake and pachinko and was a lazy bastard. He knew Gintoki didn't have an alcohol tolerance to save his life. He knew Gintoki was scarily talented with a sword, better than he himself was, though not by that large of a margin. He knew Gintoki was nothing but a large child. He knew Gintoki was very protective, much like himself. He knew Gintoki was a fucking sadist.

But he didn't know much of where he came from, why he was the way he was. Gintoki's walls were built high, and even though he obviously cared for and protected his kids, not even they knew the demons Gintoki faced on a daily bases. Hijikata knew, he saw the lonely, lost and pained look Gintoki tried to hide from everyone else. But Toshi's demons were too similar to his for him to miss it.

But trust? That was something they didn't come by easy, he knew. Trust was a dangerous thing when you were a samurai. As was any type of affection.

Samurai never had a happy ending. Such was the way of the sword.

But damn it, he wanted to know. He wanted to understand just what was it that drove Sakata Gintoki. He wanted to learn about what was in that permy head all the time, and the closest and most reliable information source would be Katsura Kotaro.

Biting the bullet, Hijikata replied, "And I guess in exchange for this information you want me to let you go?"

"Actually..." Katsura pointed to Hijikata's side, where there was a small ball attached to it in place of the key that was once there. Practice with Sougo trying to kill him all the time had him easily swipe the ball and throw it to the side, having it blow up in an alley way and smoke to emit from it.

"Katsura-"

As he turned back to where Katsura was, he noticed that he was gone. The sound of Katsura's laughter alerted him, turning to see him on a roof, handcuffs off and Elizabeth holding the key. So that's how...

Hijikata made a move to draw his katana, only for Katsura to interrupt his movement. "If you want to know, meet me by the snack bar at midnight. I'd advise against going after him until then." And with that, Katsura ran away.

With a sigh, Hijikata pulled out a cigarette, lighting it up and taking a long drag. Dammit...

"Are you going to meet him?"

Hijikata glanced at the glasses from the corner of his eye. He was still there?

"Of course I am. I need a lead."

Taking another puff, Hijikata thought back to last night. Him and Yamazaki stood up all night questioning some of the people Gintoki knew. But no one knew anything. if anything, they were just as shocked at Gintoki's actions as he was. Despite all the yelling and threats he gave Zaki, despite how much he searched and how thoroughly, the idiot was seriously missing. Just...gone. As if he never existed in the first place.

After a beat, Hijikata asked calmly, "Oi, four eyes, you and China are still running Odd jobs, right?"

"Of course. We can't afford to close. And until Gin-san comes back, we have to take over."

Hijikata glanced at Shinpachi from the corner of his eye, giving him an assessing look. Would he really just return for his kids?

A pang of sadness rang through him. Of course for his kids...no other reason right? That shouldn't bother him as much as it did.

"Ahn? You actually think that natural perm is going to just come back?"

"Of course he is. He needs us as much as we need him."

Hijikata continued to stare at Shinpachi, silently trying to get him to continue talking, but the human wearing glasses just continued walking as if he didn't say anything. Should he ask? Would Gintoki's brats actually tell him what they know? What did they even know? Gintoki was a hard person to figure out most of the time. As simple as he was, his emotions were wrapped under a carefully constructed layer of nonchalance and dead-fish eyes. His devil may care ways just proved that he too once was hurt, he lost someone near and dear to him, something Hijikata was able to pick up almost immediately. After all, it was similar with him. How similar? He didn't know. He didn't really know anything about Gintoki, and he found himself wondering more and more about the perm.

Who was he really? Where did he grow up? How was he so familiar with Katsura? How could he just throw caution to the wind but protect his loved ones so fiercely?

Just what was he hiding behind those dead fish eyes?

"Hijikata-san, is there any reason why you are following me to Odd Jobs?"

Hijikata jumped a bit, not really noticing he was following.

"Er, well, I was just making sure you got there ok. I have take over Gintoki's place anyway."

"I thought you didn't want to be protagonist! Why are you suddenly so on board, huh?" Shinpachi yelled, before quickly regaining his composure and giving Hijikata s suspicious look. "Are you sure it isn't because you want to look around, Hijikata-san?"

Well...that was a great idea! Why didn't Hijikata think of that before?

"It's official police business. I might find clues."

"Official police business my ass! You didn't even think of it until I mentioned it! The author is making this shit up as she goes!" Shinpachi yelled, pointing an accusing finger at Hijikata.

Both of them stopped in front of Otose's snack bar, looking up at the Odd job's sign above Gintoki's apartment. A sense of dread filled Hijikata. Would he really find anything in there? Shit, every time he normally passed this place, some sort of chaos was happening, with Gintoki in the center of it. Now it was just...quiet, eerily so. He turned his head towards Shinpachi, who was giving the sign a sort of longing look, before turning to catch Hijikata's gaze.

"I suppose...it couldn't hurt to let you look around. You are going to try your best to find Gin-san right?"

Hijikata gives the kid a look. He knew they were worried about Gintoki, and that they were weary of him. He almost expected him to flat out tell him no, but it seemed he just really wanted to make sure the permy bastard was alright.

"I thought you said Gintoki as going to come back? What's the point of looking if he's just going to return?" Hijikata challenged, glaring at the glasses. Patsuan sighed, turning away to walk up the stairs.

"Well I guess if you don't want to go inside-"

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" Hijikata yelled before he could stop himself. He grabbed Shinpachi's human arm and stopped him in his tracks. Shinpachi gave him an unimpressed look over his shoulder. Clearing his throat, the Shinsengumi officer let him go, clearing his throat as he threw the spent cigarette away and stopped himself from lighting another one. He's been chain smoking since Gintoki left, and he didn't feel like getting another pack so soon. As Hijikata struggled to find the words that showed that he was worried without saying he was worried like the tsundere he was, Shinpachi sighed once more, turning back towards the stairs to Gintoki's appartment.

"Just come on already. Your tsundere act makes you pretty obvious."

With an irritated mumble, Hijikata followed Shinpachi up the stares, taking off his shoes at the door.

"I'm home." Shinpachi spoke up, removing his own shoes and walking inside with Hijikata awkwardly in tow.

"Shinpachi did you get the sukon...bu." The China girl blinked once, then twice at Hijikata before her fist somehow found Shinpachi's glasses. Shinpachi gave a yelp as he crashed into a nearby wall, his glasses falling on the floor with a crack. Did he die?

"Huh? Shinpachi? Are you ok?" Hijikata asked the glasses on the floor. He was definitely dead now.

Kagura turned away and walked back into the living room, where Sadaharu was laying down, sleeping. "Shinpachi. There's a dog at the door. Why is he here? Did he get lost on the streets?"

"Why you..." Hijikata muttered through gritted teeth, his thumb flicking his sword out of its scabbard on reflex.

Shinpachi's human jumped up, blood trickling down his face. Huh? Was he a zombie now? Was this like bleach where the body and soul could be separated?

"WHY THE HELL DID YOU HIT ME?" Zombie Shinpachi yelled. Kagura ignored him, glaring at Hijikata. Realizing who she was glaring at, Shinpachi cleared his throat. "I invited him in so he could look for clues for finding Gin-san."

"We don't need him, aru. Gin-chan will come back when he is ready. He won't like it if mayora was looking through his stuff. He should just go away. Or better yet let's feed him to Sadaharu."

Hijikata cursed under his breath as he unsheathed his sword, swinging it uselessly as he tried to get out of the human zombie's hold.

"I'm not dead, it's just my glasses are cracked."

R.I.P Shinpachi. Otae is going to murder him...

"Kagura-chan, we're all worried about Gin-san. We will give him his space, I'm sure Hijikata-san here will just feel more comfortable if he knows where his boyfriend is."

"ARE Y-YOU IN ON THE BOYFRIEND JOKES TOO? HUH? I'LL FUCKIN' KILL YA! SEPPUKU FOR YOU!" Hijikata yelled, struggling even more in Shinpachi's grip to get a cut at his now zombie body.

"Now now, China, let him search his boyfriend's stuff." An irritating voice spoke up from the door.

"Oi, Sougo. What the hell are you doing here? You're supposed to be on duty." Hijikata said, his voice void of emotion to try and keep his temper in check.

"I gave my shift to someone else." He said monotonously, letting himself in.

"To who?" Hijikata asked, even though he was sure he didn't want to know.

"Yamazaki. I told him if he didn't do it I would shove all his badminton rackets down his throat and run my sword up his ass, so don't blame him."

Hijikata couldn't help but sweat drop at the casual bluntness Sougo always seemed to have. Sougo simply ignored him, walking into the livingroom and sitting across from Kagura. Shinpachi automatically gravitated towards him, offering tea and the likes. Standing at the doorway, wondering how this play of events turned out, Hijikata briefly caught Sougo's eye.

Understanding the meaning behind it, Hijikata silently slipped out, heading towards Gintoki's room.

Hand on the door, he paused. Would he really find anything useful? What if he didn't find anything? The sinking feeling in his stomach threatened to suffocate him, so he pushed it aside. No, there had to be something. Anything. Gintoki was like a jigsaw puzzle, and Hijikata would be the one to figure him out.

Steeling his nerves, Hijikata slid the door open, revealing a bare room, futon on the floor perfectly made. Hijikata cautiously made his way inside, looking around. Besides his justaway clock, and a picture of the perm, Kagura and Shinpachi, there weren't any keepsakes, none what so ever. In fact this room looked even more plain than his own. The thought made a coil in his chest tighten. So he really had nothing huh? Nothing except the people he held closely.

With a sigh, Hijikata looked around. Everything seemed in perfect order. Opening the closet, he peered inside. There was a small box at the bottom. Crouching down, he carefully opened it. Pulling something out, he noticed it looked like a book. Hijikata felt his face pale. It was clearly a yaoi manga, with him and Gintoki on the cover, him with a collar on and Gintoki tilting his chin up, shirtless. Huh? Was this some kind of a joke? Why the hell did Gintoki have yaoi from his own anime, dammit?

"That's Gin-chan's adult stash, he'll be upset if Mayora was going through it, aru."

Hijikata jumped, scrambling to close the box and get up. He turned to glare at the Yato girl, who was picking her nose with a dead fish expression.

"Shouldn't you be with Sougo? What the hell is he doing?"

"Probably killing Shinpachi." Hijikata sweat dropped, but Kagura continued talking as if they were discussing the weather. "Gin-san doesn't keep anything from his past. But I did find something you might find interesting. He spilled ramen on it and tried to throw it out, but I felt like I should save it."

Kagura pulled out a book, more like a pamphlet really. It was a dark green color and, as Kagura suggested, had stains on it.

Hijikata narrowed his eyes at the Yato brat. "And what do you want in return for it? You Yorozuya's don't do anything for free."

"A ten year's worth supply of sukonbu."

"LIKE HELL!" Hijikata yelled. "YOU'LL EAT IT ALL IN A FEW HOURS!"

Kagura simply glared at him, grabbing the top of the book. "Well if you don't want it then-"

"How about I give you money for it now?"

Kagura seemed to think it over. "Whenever I ask for it, you have to buy it. Oh, and when Gin-chan comes back you have to treat him to parfaits."

There it was again. They were so sure he would return.

Hijikata swallowed. "And if he doesn't return?"

"We drag him back by the perm on his head."

Hijikata couldn't help the malicious grin that spread on his face. Pulling out a few dollars, he handed it to the Yato girl. "Deal."

Kagura snatched the money, tossing the book at Hijikata, who caught it just barely. "Zura says he has one just like it, you might want to talk to him first."

Hijikata looked down at the book. It was old. Just how old was Gintoki? How old was he when he was exposed to all this chaos? Tucking the book in his jacket, he walked to the door, taking one last look around before exiting and closing the door. He went to the livingroom to find Kagura in her original spot, pulling Sadaharu off of Sougo.

"Mayora gave us money for sukonbu. Come on Sadaharu!" The dog barked happily as it got off of Sougo, who looked like he might have died already.

"Oi, Sougo. Did you die?"

Said Captain simply grunted, getting up as if nothing happened. "Did you get what you came here for?"

Hijikata nodded. Sougo gave him another look before turning to Shinpachi.

"I guess this is where we make our leave."

As sougo walked away, Shinpachi called after Hijikata.

"Are you really going to meet with Katsura-san?"

Hijikata turned back to the glasses, who was looking at him with determination. Hijikata had to remind himself that this kid was no pushover. Underneath the human wearing glasses was a formidable samurai in the making. Walking up to Gintoki's desk, he took out a cigarette, eyeing the picture of Gintoki that rested there.

"If it means finding the perm, then I'd go through hell and back."

With that, Hijikata walked to the door, only to be stopped again by the glasses.

"You really care about Gin-san, don't you?"

Hijikata let himself smile softly, knowing his back was to Shinpachi.

"You tell me."

And he closed the door behind him.

Outside, he spotted Sougo down the stairs, waiting for him. Hijikata simply walked by him, lighting up his cigarette with his mayo lighter.

"Hijikata-san."

Hijikata stopped, turning over his shoulder to look at Sougo.

"Don't make the same mistake with Danna as you did with my sister."

Sougo walked past Hijikata, who simply stared at him in shock. That was as much as a 'go for it' as he would ever get from Sougo.

Taking one last look at the snack bar and Yorozuya, he turned and walked away, mind made up.

He'll do whatever it takes to find the perm, even if it meant going to Katsura for help.


	4. Do hard tasks step by step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hijikata goes to meet with katsura and gintoki finds himself in another anime...again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gintoki: Could it be, an actual chapter?
> 
> Hijikata: She didn't proof read it again, its crap
> 
> Gintoki: BUT ITS A CHAPTER! AFTER SO LONG!
> 
> I know I know, gintoki, I got...busy
> 
> H: Busy doing nothing...
> 
> G: Author san, do you have any idea where this is going...?
> 
> NOPE! Enjoy

Red eyes blearily blinked open, staring up at the white ceiling that slowly came into focus.

Gintoki groaned, sitting up. He didn't remember going to a hotel last night, where was he?

He looked around. It seemed he was in a normal bedroom. Besides the bed, night stand, closet, window and dresser, there wasnt really much in here. His bokuto rested on the side of the bed, opposite the night stand. Now the question was, how did he get here?

"Ginko!"

Gintoki tensed as there was a knock on the door. Panicked, he looked around the bed. He didn't end up sleeping with anyone did he? Last night was a bit of a blur! He didn't succumb to a mans desires did he?

The door opened, revealing the typical anime mother. Black hair in a side braid (which really meant she was going to die sometime soon, anime style), kind eyes and a bright smile.

"Ginko, get up! You'll be late for school."

_Is she...is she talking to me? How does she know my female name! Is Gin-san a chan now? Did Gintoki junior fall off as he slept!?_

Gintoki took a quick peek under the covers. Nope, he still had a hard chest and Gintoki junior. Definitely a man still.

"Ginko~ You'll be late, hurry hurry!" the mother rushed as she opened the curtains. Light blinded Gintoki, making him whine and attempt to become one with the bed.

"But mooooom! I don't want to gooooooo! Five more minutes!"

"Nonsense! If you don't go to school you'll end up having to become a hostess! You'll be lusted over by smelly old men with too much time on their hands!"

"Ginko has her own needs too, you cant just- ow ow ow ow!"

Gintoki's rant was cut short as the covers were pulled off of him and the mother grabbed him by his natural perm.

"WHAT KIND OF MAN WOULD WANT A WOMAN WITH THIS KIND OF HAIR ANYWAY! I'M SO ASHAMED!"

"Ow ow ow ow ow! W-wait a second! Let go, you're ripping it from the roots! The roots!"

"NOW I'LL NEVER HAVE GRANDCHILDREN I'LL DIE OLD AND ALONE AND BE STUCK WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!" The mother sobbed as she let go, running out the room. Gintoki rubbed his head, trying to soothe his curls. Well that was...something.

Getting up, went about his normal morning routine before stopping in front of the closet. He didn't see his normal outfit anywhere, so he'll have to borrow some clothes. He opened the closet, immediately wishing he hadn't. THE ONLY THING IN HERE WERE SCHOOL UNIFORMS! DID THIS ANIME CHARACTER DO NOTHING BUT GO TO SCHOOL?

"Ok, Gintoki. You can so this, you've dressed up as a girl before..."

After several minutes of wrestling the skirt on and trying to brush his natural perm, he looked in the mirror, scrunching his face up in disgust. Gin-san was definitely not meant to be a school girl. He hoped the author was having fun...

"OI AUTHOR SAN! WIPE THAT SADISTIC GRIN OFF YOUR FACE!"

The author simply ignored him, enjoying the image of Gintoki in a school girl's uniform, completed with a skirt, bow and pigtails.

"Ginko! It's time for school!"

"Oh no! I'll be late!" Gintoki cried, grabbing a school bag which seemed to materialize out of nowhere and his bokuto. He jumped down the stairs, grabbing the first edible thing he could find and running out the door.

"Oi...this seems to be starting like your normal romance school anime..." Gintoki muttered bitterly around a mouth full of toaster as he ran to school.

"OI HOW IS A TOASTER EDIBLE!? THERE ISNT EVEN TOAST IN HERE! OI!"

He entered the school building, which was really the only school in town, running up to his classroom. He silently slid open the door.

"Excuse me- OW!"

"LATE!" the sensei yelled, throwing an eraser at him. Gintoki's head snapped back, before his hand came to cup his now bleeding nose and he lowered his head to glare at the teacher. She pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose, causing it to give off a glare.

"Sorry, sensei, I woke up la- OW! OI OI OI quit it!" Gintoki whined as the sensei started throwing chalk at him.

"I will not accept tardiness! How dare you show up late!"

"Be lucky Gin-san showed up at all! Oi! Quit it! That stings!"

Eventually she seemed to run out of chalk, fixing her glasses once again.

"Go to your seat so I can start the lesson. You're being disruptive."

"The disruptive one here is you, what kind of teacher beats her students with chalk?"

Gintoki muttered to himself as he looked around the classroom for a seat, thinking maybe he should sit in the front. Typical anime seating required him to be somewhere in the back next to the window. He glanced around to see that the only available seat...was in the back, next to the window.

He felt himself sweat drop. What's this? Was he doomed to follow the footsteps of main characters everywhere? Could he not escape this fate?!

Turning around, he headed for the door. "Actually sensei I don't feel well. That toaster might have had too much iron."

He gave a lazy wave over his shoulder as he walked out the classroom. As he walked down the stairs and out the building, he glanced at the window of the classroom and sighed. Was there no way to avoid this? He just wanted to drift around and not have to worry about...anything. Saving people, having people depend on him.

Was there no escape?

He sighed once again, watching as a brother and sister ran by the school gates.

He felt a sharp pain in his chest.

He grabbed his shirt by his heart, clenching tightly. He knew what this was.

He gave a small smile.

_Kagura...Shinpachi...how are you guys doing?_

He looked up, a soft breeze blowing the petals from the tree around him.

Typical anime style.

He missed them. Kagura. Was she eating right? Was she using Sadaharu to try and find him? And Patsuan. How was he dealing with this? Did Otae want to kill him for leaving? Katsura...what was he up to? And the old lady, who would protect her now? And the gorilla.

And of course, the one he wanted to tear his thoughts away from. Hijikata.

Gintoki couldn't help but wonder what he was doing. Was he looking for him? Did he miss him?

He had no doubt he was protecting the others in his place. That was just the person he was. He'd curse and complain and make murder threats through those kissable pale lips that always had a cigarette between them...

Ok, going off tangent Gin-san. Now isn't the time for such thoughts.

"Do you have a wish to make?"

Gintoki turned to the sound of the voice. It was a weird white cat thing with long ears, rings around each. It was sitting on a nearby bench.

"If you make a wish I can grant it, and in return you can turn into a magical girl."

Gintoki blinked once, then twice, feeling a small sweatdrop form on his forehead. "G-Good day..."

"My name is Kyubei. I can turn you into a magical girl if you would just make a wish. I can tell you have something on your mind."

Gintoki walked towards it and bent in front of it, yanking its ears and pinching its face.

"Umm...that's a bit uncomfortable." it said, sweatdropping.

"Wait wait wait wait. What the hell is a magical girl?"

"A magical girl is a powerful being that destroys witches. The greater the wish the greater the power. I can make miracles happen, things that other people would only dream about."

"So you're saying...I can make any wish I wanted and be eternally powerful?"

"In retrospect yes," Kyubei nodded with a glint in its eyes.

Gintoki thought for a second before nodding. "I see I see. Well then..."

Gintoki picked up the cat...thing. He walked over to the nearby dumpster.

"Hey hey hey, what are you doing?"

Gintoki didn't answer, opening the dumpster and putting Kyubei inside.

"Wait! What are you doing to me?"

Gintoki closed the dumpster, locking it with the bolt and putting a heavy rock on it. He dusted his hands off.

"HEY! WHATS GOING ON! GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

"There we go. Stay out of other people's business. A deal that shady wouldn't ever end well."

With that, Gintoki left the school compound, now changed into his normal outfit thanks to the magic that is author san, and continued his journey, ignoring Kyubei's cries for help as a dumpster truck came by and took it away to a landfill where it will hopefully die like the DEVIL IT IS-

"Author san, your crazy is showing. Has Madoka Magika really messed you up that much?"

Do not be fooled, the anime starts out cute but turns out to be very messed up...

Er, right. Anyway.

Gintoki continued his journey, muttering to himself about crazy authors.

* * *

Hijikata leafed through the little book Kagura gave him, waiting for midnight to arrive. The sun was setting and it was already quite dark out. Hijikata already finished his shift, so he decided to sit here with a cup of coffee with a generous amount of mayonnaise squeezed into it and read what Kagura gave him. He already read it a few times, and now he was just taking it all in, trying to piece what little information he had together.

He still had a while before he was supposed to meet Katsura, so here he sat, leafing through Gintoki's old textbook.

He honestly wasn't sure what to expect. A friendly conversation about Gintoki? What did the idiot have in mind? This could also be part of some elaborate trap to bring down the Shinsengumi, but Hijikata felt that made no sense. Earlier in Katsura's terrorist career he might have put more thought on that, but now, he knew Katsura wouldn't go beyond petty pranks and annoying schemes that were meant to piss him off. Ever since reuniting with Gintoki, that changed in him.

Gintoki changed people...

Hijikata suppressed the thought before he could dwell on it too much. It seemed the natural perm was all he could think about lately anyway.

Turning his attention back to the book, he turned back to the beginning and opened it up. There were doodles here and there and the stain, but other than that it was a normal textbook. It was something Hijikata guessed he would have if he had stayed in formal schooling. But that was another road he refused to think about. Ever.

Most of what was in here was sword techniques, morals, codes, samurai stuff.

Hijikata wondered who was it that gave Gintoki this. The china brat said Katsura had one just like it, so if anything it was more questions to ask the terrorist. Hijikata just wondered how much he was willing to answer, and for what price. He knew they both fought in a war, that they both faced things that left many scars, both physical and mental. How do you make someone like that open up?

Hijikata knew he himself was a stubborn bastard. Hijikata faced his own issues, had his own pain and suffering, and it took a lot for him to trust people. Hell, there were things he didn't even tell Kondo and definitely not Sougo. How would he get the perm to open up to him if he was just as hard to open up himself?

A treacherous voice in the back of his head said to trust him and open up first, but Hijikata immediately snuffed that voice out.

Samurai like them never got happy endings anyway.

So what if he wanted to see that annoying face every day, to look into those deadfish red eyes and run his fingers through those permy annoying silver locks. To argue with him over nothing and feel the secure warmth of him by his side, to-

"AUTHOR SAN! WHAT KIND OF IMAGERY ARE YOU PAINTING HERE, AHN?" Hijikata yelled, pulling the author out of the beautiful romantic thoughts she was about to give the mayo freak.

The author ignored him, deciding that she wasted enough time and that it was time to continue the plot before she lost the few readers she had.

Hijikata tucked the book into his vest, getting up and hesitating as he grabbed his jacket. Did he go as the Demon Vice commander or did he go as himself?

Hijikata pushed the thought out of his head. He was Toshiro Hijikata, Demon Vice Commander. There wasn't a difference, it simply was.

Hijikata slipped the jacket on, sliding his sword in place at his hip before lighting up a cigarette and stepping out.

The night was cool, bringing a breath of relief to the raven haired male. He didn't notice how warm and cramped he felt in his office until now, now that he was out and about. The moon was full and large in the sky, giving the normally dark streets a dim lighting. There weren't many people. It was as if everyone knew Gintoki was gone, and thus Edo no longer had a protector.

The thought made him grit his teeth in frustration, as if he'd let his work with the shinsengumi interfere with protecting people. The very thought was insulting. He'd show them, he wouldn't let anyone get hurt with Gintoki's absence.

As he made his way to the snack bar, Hijikata couldn't help but feel like someone was watching. He stopped, looking over his shoulder and surveying with his steel blue eyes. Nothing stood out. A couple going out, a mother and child walking home, nothing out of the ordinary. But Hijikata knew to trust his gut when it said something was off. Instead he just continued walking, keeping and eye and ear out for anything.

By the time the snack bar was in sight, Hijikata felt maybe his gut _was_ playing tricks on him. He had been stressed with Gintoki leaving, so that was probably it. Everyone had taken it hard, but he was the one who promised to bring him back, not just for himself.

The sign to the Yorozuya's was dark compared to Otose's sign in the distance, and it did nothing to ease his nerves. He didn't notice he stopped until someone bumped into him. What if he wasn't coming back? What if the hope those kids and everyone else had was blind? What if Gintoki was really done and Hijikata couldn't find him?

The thought was too painful to continue thinking, so he pushed it aside. He'd get the perm back. He had to.

Hijikata continued forward with new vigor.

That was, until that feeling of someone watching him came back tenfold.

Hijikata stopped in his tracks, hand on his sword when he felt the tip of a blade press to his back.

"I never thought it would be this easy to sneak up on the Demon Vice Commander. You're losing your touch."

Hijikata repressed a shiver, glancing behind him. He knew that voice, the voice of one of the most dangerous people in all of Edo.

Takasugi Shinsuke.

Dammit, he was a fool for not listening to his gut. He was so deep in his thoughts that he didn't notice him.

Fuck.

"Holding an officer at blade point in the middle of the street isn't exactly smart." Hijikata retorted, chancing a glance around. They were completely alone now, the streets empty. His mind was already coming up with different ways to get out from under Takasugi's blade and gain the advantage. He knew Takasugi was no push over, he couldn't be reckless.

Takasugi let out a chuckle, bringing Hijikata back to the present. "I don't think anyone will feel safe with you being so careless. But I guess suicidal tendencies is one way to get over a harsh break up."

Hijikata tensed even more, feeling his anger start to cloud his thoughts. Shinsuke seemed to sense this, chuckling again as he pushed the blade deeper, threatening to break skin.

"How does it feel? To be Gintoki's sloppy seconds? To have damaged and used goods?"

That seemed to be Hijikata's snapping point. With a growl he grabbed the blade with his bare hand, ignoring the sting in his palm as he turned and took out his own sword, making a swipe for Takasugi's head. Takasugi ducked as if expecting the outburst, kicking Hijikata in the stomach and sending him to the ground. Toushi wasted no time getting back up, crossing blades with the bastard, who had the audacity to smirk at him.

"Did I hit a nerve, vice commander?"

"The hell do you know?" Hijikata growled, the sound feral even to himself. Shinsuke only smirked wider, pushing Hijikata back. As the two crossed blades, Hijikata couldn't help but know his anger was making his moves sloppy and predictable, while Shinsuke was simply toying with him. The thought just pissed him off more.

With a roar, he charged at Takasugi, until a gunshot rang out in the night. Hijikata stopped, his body frozen before he registered the pain in his chest. Fuck, there was more than one and he was too angry to notice!

He dropped to a knee, grabbing his chest where it was slowly bleeding as he glared at Takasugi and the girl who shot him arrived next to him. Hijikata recognized her as Kijima Matako.

With a growl, he used his sword to push himself up, only to have a blade pressed against his neck, courtesy of Kawakami Bansai.

Fuck, how did he not notice them earlier?

"As I said before, sloppy." Shinsuke taunted, bending so he was eye level with Hijikata. Hijikata took the opportunity to spit in his face, earning a gasp from Matako.

"HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT SHINSUKE SAMA LIKE THAT?" She all but screeched. Oh great, a fangirl.

Takasugi just chuckled, wiping his face with the sleeve of his kimono.

"A dog until the end." Takasugi muttered, getting up. "Without Gintoki around, it will be much easier to move. Once I get you and Katsura out the way, I'll be unstoppable."

Hijikata chuckled, the sound coming out a bit more like a wheeze, and fixed Takasugi with a defiant smirk. "You'll have to kill me first."

"I intend to." Takasugi stated as if he was discussing the weather. He lifted his sword, bringing it down.

But before it could make contact with Hijikata's neck, another sword blocked it. Before Hijikata could process, something exploded by him, making Banzai release him in favor of not getting blown up.

"Hijikata san. Bastard. I thought I told you I'm the only one who gets to kill you." Sougo's voice rang out.

More gunshots were fired as China jumped into the scene, making Kijima take a step back before she was held at umbrella point.

"Bitch." she hissed at Kagura, who just smirked smugly. Banzai made a move to help her, but Sougo aimed at his head.

"Don't even think about it."

"I never thought you'd make your move so soon, Takasugi." Zura spoke, grabbing Hijikata's attention. Zura spared a quick glance at the shinsengumi officer on the ground. "Never thought a bullet would bring you down, demon vice commander."

Hijikata had to chuckled at that, standing up and wiping away a bit of spit on his mouth.

"It didn't." He pulled out the book, showing the bullet firmly embedded in it. He couldn't help the snort that found its way to his lips. Even gone Gintoki was still saving him...

"You really have fallen low, Zura. Working with the shinsengumi?" Takasugi spoke.

"Zura ja nai, Katsura da. And I told you, the next time we saw each other, it would be as enemies." Katsura spoke calmly.

Takasugi chuckled, smirking. "Without Gintoki, do you really think you stand much of a chance?"

"We will be plenty to keep you at bay until he returns." Katsura sounded so sure of himself...

"Are you sure he hasn't finally gotten tired of you, Zura? Of his little dog?"

Hijikata had his blade against his neck before he even thought of the command. Zura gave him a look, but Hijikata ignored it.

"What are you planning?" Katsura spoke, seemingly unaffected.

"Same as always. Destruction. It's only a matter of time. You guys won't be able to protect anyone. You should know something about that. Don't you, Hijikata?"

The taunting gaze Takasugi sent him spiked his temper once again, but before he could slit the bastard's throat, something exploded on the side. China and Sougo took cover while Zura tackled him to the ground. Then the smoke cleared, Takasugi and his little minions were gone.

Hijikata got up, sheathing his sword and silently fuming. His temper got the best of him. Kondo would be so disappointed...

"Hijikata-san."

Hijikata turned to Zura, who was waiting with China and Sougo.

"I think it's time we had that discussion now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gintoki: Oooohhh suspense!
> 
> Hijikata: WHY DID YOU MAKE ME SO WEAK
> 
> Gintoki: I think that action scene wasnt planned, it seemed pretty bland actually
> 
> Shut up, im not good at writing out fights...
> 
> Gintoki: Obviously, stick to your day job...


	6. Authors note

Hello everyone!

I have decided to rewrite this fic. Whether I delete and reupload or simply edit I havent decided yet. 

When I first started writing this, I was still around episode 70. Now that I'm much much farther I feel like my writing skills have improved and I have a better grasp of everyones characters. So sorry if you've been waiting all this time for an update...

Thank you all for reading regardless!! I hope to see your kudos/comments in the rewrite!!


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